That was the answer that rang in my head and gave a bounce to my cock. Yes. Do it.
I would like to say that it was because I wanted Tara to experience sex with love. I would like to say that the ‘yes’ was for both of them so that we could all move beyond what had happened and create a new level of trust. And I really wish I could say that my decision was motivated by a pure desire for Kayla and I to move to the next level in our relationship and prove to each other that we could survive anything as long as we were together.
But that’s not it. What really helped motivate the decision?
Kayla standing naked next to Tara, whose robe had slipped open a bit and revealed the top of her left breast. Their faces were close together, lips slightly parted as they both waited for my answer. It was sexy. Really sexy.
And the only thing I could think of at that moment, banishing both sides of the issue from my brain, was how hot it would be to have both of them sandwiching me.
Honorable? Of course not. Tasteful? Nope. But right now, with everything that had happened and the fucked-up state my mind was in, my cock took over most of the thinking and it was giving a resounding, “Hell yes!” to the idea.
Besides, they had said they wanted it. If it was going to help Tara feel better and help Kayla give closure to what had happened, then it wouldn’t make much sense to refuse, would it?
I was acting on instinct. Like I said, a different head was thinking for me.
I stood, gave the girls a smile, then went to close the blinds to Kayla’s window. Why did she never close those? I glanced across to my window but all was clear. Thank God. If Alan or Amanda happened to be in my room (which they better fucking not be unless I let them), the sight in Kayla’s room would be very, very difficult to explain.
I turned back, the word ‘Yes’ already forming on my lips, when Tara looped her hair behind her ear. It was a tiny gesture, probably half-a-second at most, but for a brief second the side of her head was visible as she lifted the stray lock. My attention zipped to it and I felt my legs go hollow.
The gunshot echoed in my head…I saw the side of the head explode, but it wasn’t Walburn’s head this time…It was />
My stomach heaved and I staggered past the stunned girls to the bathroom, where I threw up the toilet lid and puked into the bowl. The entire Christmas dinner that I had eaten only a couple hours before sprayed into the toilet as I gagged and heaved, feeling like I was getting punched in the stomach every time I hurled.
It took about ten agonizing heaves before I emptied my stomach and I was left panting and sweating over the rim of the toilet, the tangy smell of my vomit filling my nose. My hands, one gripping the rim of the bowl and the other holding the seat up, slowly slid down as numbness spread through my limbs. I felt drained, and not just because the contents of my stomach were swimming just below me. My mind was—
The toilet seat dropped down, cracking into the back of my skull. It wasn’t heavy or anything, but in my weakened state it was like a brick dropping on me. I pulled my head out from under it and slumped against the wall as stars twinkled in front of my eyes.
“Are you okay?”
The girls had come in the bathroom, their expressions concerned with a slight seasoning of panic. Kayla made to move closer but Tara beat her to it, kneeling down in front of me and putting a hand on my leg.
Kayla stepped back, flashing an irritated glance at the back of Tara’s head. Like Tara looping her hair behind her ear, it was a quick movement, not really noteworthy in itself, but to me it opened a door somewhere in my mind and I saw everything laid out. A threesome with Tara…if Kayla was irritated that Tara beat her to making sure I was okay, what the hell would happen if I had sex with her? I mean, yeah, she’d be there, but she’d be sharing. She said she was okay with it, but…Fuck, what if this led to more jealousy? More days without any form of contact? I mean…Tara was moving down here in a few months so it’s not like it just happens and then she goes halfway across the country until God knows when. She’ll be in the area. It’s gonna stay fresh.
Jealousy…I don’t know if it was going to happen but…All I could see was this fucking up my relationship with Kayla. I loved Kayla. I loved Tara, too, but if I had to choose between them…
And what was up with dropping this on me after what happened? God damn, I had actually been considering this…
“I’m fine,” I said, my mouth feeling tacky. I gently moved Tara’s hand and stood up, one hand against the wall. Fucking legs were still shaky.
I looked up and saw that they were both still waiting expectantly. Jeez, the puke wasn’t a turn-off for them? “So, sorry, but it’s a no,” I said.
They were both genuinely shocked. I had been looking at Kayla more than Tara, wondering if I might see some relief from her, but all I got was a stunned expression that gave way to confusion. Not exactly what I was expecting. My eyes slid to Tara and, unfortunately, hers was exactly what I had been expecting: disappointment and a little bit of hurt.
“Are you sure?” Kayla asked, still looking like she thought she misheard me.
I replied, wiping a bit of spit from my lower lip, “It’s just not…Like, right now is not the right time, you know? After everything that happened and…Tara, if I’m the first guy you make love to, that’s not exactly setting the pedigree high.”
“I love you, Tara. You know I do. Maybe as more than a cousin, but you’re still my cousin. We shouldn't do this.”
Kayla clamped her jaw shut with an audible clack but Tara didn’t notice.
“I don’t care that you’re my cousin,” she said, looking close to tears, “I just want to make everything right, the only guy I know who actually loves me and cares about me and won't make sex just a bang-and-dash thing.”
“And there’s guys out there who won’t do that,” I replied, feeling bad but knowing I couldn’t back down now, “I love you and I always will. But I can’t have sex with you.”
Tara looked desperately at Kayla. okay with it, right?” she asked in a breaking voice, “You said you were fine with it.”
“I am,” Kayla replied, putting a hand on Tara’s shoulder.
“I’m not,” I replied, “And that’s my decision. You said you’d be okay with that.”
Tara bit her lower lip and nodded slowly. “Okay, Jack,” she said in a hollow voice.
“It has nothing to do with you,” I said quickly, barely biting back the addition of, “It’s me.” That was one cliché I hoped to avoid.
Kayla said, leaning against her, “Go back to my room for a sec.”
Tara said quietly, giving her a small smile before leaving.
Kayla looked at me and said, “Jack, what’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you saying no?”
I threw up my hands. “I thought I was allowed to say no if I didn’t want to do it. If you didn’t want me to say no, you should have just told me it was going to happen.”
“I wouldn’t do that to you. Neither of us would.”
“I My fingers ran through my hair, caressing the edge of a massive headache that was building inside my skull. “Kayla, it wouldn’t be like with you and me. I not in love with her so it would just be sex with a guy who loves her.”
what she wants. You said you loved her as more than a cousin.”
“Yeah, maybe I do, but it’s not the same. You and made for each other. And you’re the one I’d be thinking about while…You know.”
“Jack, you’re making this way more complicated than it needs to be,” she sighed, her arms folded under her breasts. It didn’t seem the least odd that we were having this conversation completely naked.
“This is how I feel. Now tell me the truth…are you really okay with this?”
“Of course!” she said, a little too quickly.
I stepped closer and put my hands on her shoulders. />
She bit her lip and hesitated. “I…I would be fine with it if that’s what you wanted.”
“So you’re not 100%.”
not the point. She wants it…she needs it.”
“She doesn’t need it, />
She looked at me like I’d grown another head. never been with a guy who cared about her even half as much as you do. Whatever hang-ups I have—not saying I have matter. She loves you and you love her.”
“And she’ll find a guy who will give her that better than I can.” My arguments basically wrote themselves but they only ran voice-deep. In my heart, I was still battling it out.
“Please, Jack,” Kayla said, a tear running down her face, “This will help her. And it’ll help you, too.”
She put a hand on my cheek. “I know how much it’s still bothering you. What happened with Coach Walburn. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to use it against you, but…I know it hit you while we were having sex.” I didn’t say anything. “This could help you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now, but couldn’t this help? Take your mind of it and />
“It’s going to stay on my mind, Kayla. It’s in there. I can’t stop thinking about it and if I try, it only makes it worse. And, what, I’m supposed to stop thinking about that so I can think about having sex with my cousin?”
“It doesn’t bother you that Alan and Amanda do it,” she replied, lowering her voice.
them. That’s none of my business. This…with me…Kayla, I can’t, okay?”
She looked at me levelly for a bit. “I won’t be jealous,” she said quietly. Mind-reader, I’m sure of it.
I pulled her in for a hug. “I love you,” I said, feeling my throat tighten a little bit as tears threatened to come out, “And I don’t think I’m coming out of this decision on the winning side no matter what. If you really, really want this to happen…how about we wait />
She put a finger to my lips then took my hand and led me back to her room. Tara was sitting on the bed, hugging the seal I had gotten Kayla to her chest. she said with a small smile. She put the seal on the pillows. “It’s nice and cuddly. Good choice, Jack.”
I replied. It had just hit me that Tara had been in that closet for a while, waiting to come out. I sincerely hoped that wasn’t as weird as it sounded in my head.
“Keep going,” Kayla said to me.
“What you were saying in the bathroom. About waiting. Keep going.”
I blinked and thought. “Oh, was saying that if you…I mean, both of you, I guess…If you wanted this to happen, really wanted this to um…Well, Tara, you’re moving close in a few months so why don’t we wait? I mean, right now you want to do it because you’re feeling like…Like I need this. And you need this. And, I don’t know, maybe Kayla needs it, too. But if this is going to happen, and I’m not saying I don’t ever want it, I want it to be something we do when we’re happy, not because we want to be happy.”
“Jack, if she’s moving in a few months, why wait?” Kayla replied tartly, “I mean, come on.”
“Because all this stuff…It shouldn’t be dealing with it with sex,” I said, fumbling for words, “I mean, set aside Tara and me being related. Trust me, I would love a threesome. I I grabbed my cock, “Seriously, there’s no way it wouldn’t get me all hot and whatever but…Not now. Just…not now, Kayla. I’m sorry, Tara.”
“It would mean a lot to me,” Tara replied in a quiet voice.
“And I would do anything for you, Tara. I was running out of reasons. My head was throbbing and I put my hands to my head, pressing hard against my skull. I knew I was turning down what any other sixteen-year-old guy would dream of having but, God damn it, I had watched one of my teachers shoot himself! And this is what is dropped on me as a result?! What the fuck?!
I felt my back slam into the corner of the wall, the angle digging into my spine and I grunted in pain. Tara sprung off the bed and put her hands on my shoulders, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just breaking my back,” I grunted, wincing in pain as I flexed my spine.
“Well, stop that,” she said with a smirk. For a second, everything was back the way it was. She and I were cousins, content to love and poke fun at each other. sex partners.
Then Kayla kissed me on my back. lie him down,” she said, trying to sound nonchalant.
“No, you really />
“You hurt your back,” Kayla said professionally, “Laying down is the best thing.”
“Laying down…on my back?”
She ignored me as she and Tara carefully lay me down on the bed. “Any pain?” Kayla asked.
I wiggled a bit. There was a twinge of pain but that was it. “No, I’m good,” I replied.
“Good. So, while we have you on the />
I sighed heavily. />
“It’s okay,” Tara said suddenly. Kayla and I looked at each other. talked about this enough and…Jack, if you don’t want to, then />
Kayla said gently, “I’m okay with it, if that’s />
“I know you are,” Tara interrupted, “But he />
She didn’t say it in an accusing way but it still punched me in the stomach. “I love you, Tara,” I said, taking her hand, “And I meant when I said in a few />
“Well, one more reason to look forward to moving here,” Tara responded with a small smile, “Thanks for trying to help me, Kayla.”
“Of course,” Kayla replied, not smiling.
“Are you sleeping over here?” Tara asked me.
Good question. It was already pretty late and I imagined Alan and Amanda were still going at it like jackrabbits. “Yeah, />
“Would it…be okay if I slept here, too? I go back now and Alan and Amanda are gonna be asking me where I was and the last thing we need is them finding out you know.” Her voice was getting stronger but I still sensed sadness. Good going, Jack.
Then again, my conscious was going to fuck me one way or the other. It was a no-win situation.
“Of course!” Kayla said, this time with a smile, “Do you want the wall side or the floor side?”
“The bed. Do you want the wall side or the floor side? Jack can be in the middle.” I looked at her but she seemed to be genuinely interested in the bed arrangements, not other things.
Tara reddened. “Oh, um…I was just going to take the couch or />
“I’ll take the couch,” I said, sitting up.
Both of them pushed me back down. “Stay, Jack,” Kayla said, “It’s fine, Tara. Besides, it’ll be warmer with three people.”
“I’m not going to let you sleep alone,” Kayla replied, dropping her voice toward the end of the sentence as she realized what it implied, “I you know that />
Tara smiled. “Of Jack?”
“I know you said you wouldn’t have sex with saying you have to later, but…Could I maybe have I just stared. “It’s innocent, right? And Kayla’s here and she knows it’s just to smooth over everything and it would really, really help because I’m feeling kind of bad that the whole threesome thing came />
Shit, shit, shit. I know, I know…I shouldn’t have any hang-ups about this but considering what happened the last time I kissed her…And yeah, Kayla was here, but how’s she going to react to seeing that? And Tara’s fine with not having sex now but what if after we kiss, she…God, why can’t I just make a fucking decision! I hate this! I really, really fucking hate—
Kayla looked at me, then turned to Tara. “I’ll do it,” she said in a shaky voice.
Tara and I stared. “You will?” Tara asked in a voice that said she hadn’t decided how to feel about it yet.
Kayla said, giving her a small smile, “I mean, you kissed Jack so if we’re going to be />
I don’t know if it was just the pervy part of my mind but it sounded to me like she was excited. Yeah, they had originally planned a threesome hadn’t even considered how much they would get involved with each other. The whole ‘having sex with Tara’ part of it grabbed my attention more.
Kayla scooted closer to Tara and cupped her face. Tara smiled and leaned in, her eyes slowly closing as her lips pressed softly against Kayla’s. She leaned against Kayla’s body, their breasts pressing together as they slowly wrapped their arms around each other. Their kiss was not like mine and slow, and lingering. Instead, their lips slowly slid off each other and came together again, their mouths slightly open until the moment of contact when they pressed against each other.
My heart was pounding and I could feel my breath getting ragged as I watched them kiss each other (their attire, or lackthereof, wasn’t helping much). My groin started to tighten as my cock stirred, slowly stiffening as I listened to their soft breathing and ever-so-faint moans as they continued to make out, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was there. All the better. If they had noticed me, they probably would have been able to shatter my willpower and get me in on the action.
I know I said I didn’t want to…but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to. Does that make sense? Probably not. Nothing I was doing made much sense anymore.
They were only kissing for a few seconds but it seemed like so much longer thanks to the lurid part of my brain. They slowly broke apart, eyes half-closed and shy smiles on their faces. Kayla scooted back until she was leaning against my body and let out a slow breath. “Was that what you needed?” she asked coyly.
“Oh, yes,” Tara said happily, a wide smile on her face.
“Was it better than with Jack?”
I winced a little at that, not really ready to have fun with what had happened yet. Tara didn’t seem to mind. She laughed shortly and said, “Not getting into that. Not when the two of you are here.”
“Come on! You can tell me!”
Tara shook her head piously. “Not saying. Did you enjoy the show, Jack?”
I swallowed hard, trying to will my cock to be flaccid. It of. I could at least make my hand covering it look somewhat natural. “That was for you,” I replied, “But yeah…it was hot.”
Kayla grinned and squeezed her breasts together in my face. “Hot as this?” she teased.
“You always get the trophy for hot, I said, leaning across her lap to grab my boxers.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
I looked up at her. “Getting Why did I make that a question?
she whined, pushing me back onto the bed, “I don’t wanna put clothes back on. I like feeling your skin.”
I smiled. “I like feeling your skin, too. But you could still feel it if I put on />
“I was going to sleep naked with you, dumb-dumb,” she cut in, putting her hands behind her head and stretching so that her breasts stuck out near my face.
Was she still trying to tempt me? Little minx… “Okay, fine,” I sighed, pulling down the blankets, “You don’t mind, do you, Tara?”
She shrugged. “I can get naked too,” she said simply, playing with the hem of her robe.
I had to swallow hard again. Once again, the perverted part of my brain, the one that was screaming at me that I was a teenage boy with teenage lusts, was telling me to take the two of them and make a Jack sandwich. My reasonable side, the one that was smacking my brain and telling me the last thing we needed was more complications in our relationship, argued back just as strong. I couldn’t be so hypocritical that I had to demand she stay clothed in the bed…but I was also afraid that, if she was naked, things would lead down a path I didn’t want them to.
Weird how all of this ran through my head in the course of a second and yet seemed as long as if I were debating it for hours.
I said, then quickly added when their heads snapped up to stare at me, you maybe wait until you’re under Fuck. That sounded awful.
Tara looked a little hurt but put on a gamey smile. you think I look bad or />
“No!” I said, feeling awful. I sat up and took her hands. beautiful. Fucking gorgeous. It’s just…well, I’m going to be sandwiched between two gorgeous girls and if I see both of you naked, together, to have a hard time letting us get to sleep.” And yes…it really did sound as lame in my head as it did out loud.
Neither of them was buying it. Kayla asked, pulling an ‘Are you nuts?’ face.
“I mean, I already said ‘no’ to Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. “Our parents are going to be home early tomorrow and if we’re up too late, then we’ll sleep in and then we have to explain what three naked teens are doing in the same bed. And if we…if I see the two of you naked together, I won’t be able to control myself. I’m having a hard enough time with just you naked, Kayla.” It was true; I was desperately keeping my eyes at the level of her face.
They still looked at me with the exact same look I’m pretty sure you have on your face right now. “If you want me to keep the robe />
“No. You can do whatever you want, Tara. It’s I flopped back against the pillows. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to say the right thing and I just I put my hands on my face and groaned, feeling tears well up in my eyes.
Two sets of arms wrapped around me and I felt the soft bodies of the girls press against me. I peeked through my fingers and saw them both looking at me with concern. I slowly lowered my hands and wrapped an arm around both of them and we shared a group hug, the closest we would come to a threesome that night. Their skin was cool against mine, helping to soothe the turmoil inside me and allowing me to come closer to relaxing.
Kayla let go first and pulled back the blankets, slipping underneath and motioning for me to do the same. I slid in behind her, curling an arm around her as she leaned her back into my chest, one hand clutching mine. I kissed her lightly on the neck. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“I love you,” she whispered back.
There was a rustling behind me and Tara’s robe sailed over us to the floor. Three naked teens in the same bed…My cock twitched and Kayla shifted her rear against it but said nothing. Tara slid under the blankets with us and shifted closer to me, resting her cheek and a hand against my back. I couldn’t feel the rest of her body and I wondered if she was trying to keep it away from me because of what I said earlier about not wanting to see her naked.
Shit, that was a dumbass thing to say. Great work, Jack.
“I love you too, Jack,” Tara whispered behind my head, her breath warming my shoulder.
“And I love you, Tara.”
“I love you too, Tara,” Kayla said.
“I love you too, Kayla.”
It was like The Waltons if they’d been a family of naked teenagers. I was reminded of that one cutaway gag in Family Guy, when they’re all saying ‘good night’ to each other but John-Boy doesn’t respond and Ma goes to check on him and he screams, “Damn it! Can’t a guy masturbate in this house!” Remember that?
Fuck me, my mind was a mess.
I shuffled back and forth to get myself comfortable against Kayla, laying my cock in the groove of her rear. If we had been alone I may have been tempted to go a second round with her but with Tara…God, I felt bad about that. Not just about turning her down but because everything I did seem to be tainted with my ‘no’, as if I had said it because I was repulsed by her. I wasn’t! But it sure as shit seemed like I was.
And if I changed my mind now…it wouldn’t seem like it was coming from me.
Angry at myself, I closed my eyes and fell into something like sleep, though I was aware of everything else around me. But hey, I was between two gorgeous naked girls. Why should I complain, right?
I don’t know if there’s a sensation that’s been labeled as such but that’s what I felt when my senses kicked back into gear.
I was breathing through my nose…Why? I tried breathing through my mouth but…no, it was like breath was being pushed back into my mouth.
The lower part of my body was shifting. I wasn’t trying to wiggle my body and I tried doing it consciously. It was a separate movement. Something else was working down there.
Where were my hands? I flexed my fingers and they pressed against something soft.
My brain was slowly waking up and connections were being made in my brain. The soft stuff that my fingers were pressing Not mine or I would have felt it. So someone else’s. Whose?
Who did I fall asleep with last night?
That movement at the lower part of my Something was stiff down there. Of course! My cock! Makes sense. Morning wood and everything. But why was it moving?
It felt like a hand. Hand-job? With a hand that wasn’t mine? Excellent!
What about the breathing? My eyes were slowly starting to open, my eyelashes still making a curtain of fuzz that obscured my vision. Something was pressing against my lips. Lips!
The pieces were all there in my brains but the connections were taking a while to build. />
Who had I fallen asleep with last night? Who would be in the bed with me?
And why did all of this seem so familiar?
Come on, />
And it started. And everything came back. And I remembered why all of this was so familiar. And I also remembered who was in the bed with me and which side they had fallen asleep on but, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell which side I was facing.
I sat upright so fast that I heard a squeak and something fell to the floor with a loud thump!
I was trying to catch my breath when something stirred right behind me. “What the />
Whose voice was that? Who fell? What the heck…?
The hand on my cock was gone and my fingers were clutching empty air. So whoever had been on the edge of the bed had been the one that…who had taken the floor side?
Kayla’s head appeared over the side of the bed, her hair disheveled and her face red. “Ow,” she groaned, rubbing her back.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped, sliding out of bed to crouch down beside her, “I just…felt everything and I remembered the last time I was doing something without being fully awake />
going on?” Tara asked, leaning across the bed. She was holding the blanket up but only above her nipples, letting the rest of her cleavage spill over.
I stared for a second, then quickly lowered my eyes. Thankfully, Tara was too busy looking at Kayla to notice where I had been looking. “I Kayla out of bed she was kissing me, Fuck, I was doing it again. Shut up, Jack!
“Oh,” Tara said, sitting back a bit and reddening, “Are you okay, Kayla?”
“I’m fine,” Kayla replied, groaning a little as she stood up and stretched. “You can help yourself with that,” she said to me with a tiny smirk, nodding towards my still-hard dick.
I quickly covered it, feeling myself blushing. “Thanks for trying to help me I jerked my head at Tara.
“Oh, come on,” Kayla said, laughing a little, “She already caught our show last night.”
“Yeah, well…Maybe she might not appreciate it now,” I said with a sigh, bending my neck to alleviate the head-rush that was threatening to knock me over.
“You okay?” Kayla asked, putting her hands on my shoulders.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a head-rush.” I took a deep breath and the cottony feeling left my head and I was able to look up. “So what got you all hot-and-bothered this />
“Well, kissing is one thing but you I might a small jerking-off motion with my hand.
“She was jerking off?” Tara asked in an innocent voice.
Kayla snorted with laughter and blushed. “No. I woke up and felt Jack poking me in the butt so wanted to…Okay, if I say I wanted to give him a hand, I’m not trying to make a joke.”
that’s about it.”
“Horny in the morning?” Tara asked with a grin.
yes I am, but I felt bad that Jack didn’t get to cum last night.” She gave me an apologetic smile. “And after everything that happened and us getting all upset and stuff…you deserved it.”
I gave her a smile. What a perverted angel. “Thanks, baby,” I said, giving her a kiss, worry about it.”
“I do! It’s not fair that I got to cum and you didn’t. I mean, Tara and I />
She cut off as soon as she saw my expression. I could feel it darkening, like someone was sucking the life out of my face to leave it a joyless, tight-skinned husk. not going to talk about it anymore,” I said coldly.
“Whoa, Jack,” Tara said, holding out a hand, “I think she was just />
“Were you?” I asked Kayla.
She frowned and replied, “Yeah, but even if I wasn’t I don’t know why you’re getting upset.”
“What did I say last night?”
“That you didn’t want to. I />
“So why are you bringing it up again?”
Kayla said solidly, putting her hands on my shoulders, “I love you more than anything but you’re going to drive me nuts. How about we drop it?”
“Shit, what time is it?” Tara gasped, sliding across the bed to look at the clock. The sheet fell from her body and she lay bare across the sheets. She was laying flat on the bed so we couldn’t see the front but her smooth, lightly tanned back was visible for all to see. And as much as I’d like to say I didn’t look…I did notice that she had a very smooth, very tight, very gorgeous rear.
Kayla’s was still better, of course. Always would be.
“What time are the parents supposed to be back?” Tara asked, reaching for the robe she had pitched on the floor the night before.
I looked at the clock. 9:13. “I don’t know,” I said, a seed of panic starting to sprout in my stomach, “I thought they’d be back by now.”
Kayla grabbed her discarded pants and started riffling through the pockets. Her breasts swayed and jiggled as she did so and, again, it struck me just how nonchalant we were about being naked around each other. It wasn’t a bad thing. Hell, I loved it and nothing could make the world suddenly a brighter place than seeing my gorgeous girlfriend in her birthday suit. But…I don’t know, when you’re a teenage guy, a naked girl is like fucking Nirvana or something. Seeing one is like putting a trophy on a mental shelf. Now, I was used to it. Well, not used to it in the ‘it’s boring now’ kind of way. It’s comfortable and trusting enough with each other.
The thought made me smile.
Tara climbed out of bed to retrieve her robe and, for a few seconds, she was as freely naked as the two of us. I tried not to stare, trying to focus on Kayla finding out if our parents were on their way home, but I couldn’t help stealing a glance out of the corner of my eye. Kayla did the same.
I only caught the profile view but I had the immediate impression of what Tara was like naked. Kayla naked was like…well, how do I describe it? She was gorgeous and sexy in the way you always imagined a naked girl would be. Even more so than you thought. Remember when you were just becoming a teenager and you wondered what a naked girl would look like? How it seemed, like I mentioned, the trophy on the mental wall? That was Kayla.
Tara, on the other hand, was an entirely different creature, mainly because she and Kayla were very different. Tara was lean and lithe and sexy in the way strong girls are. It’s more of an attitude thing than a looks thing. What does that have to do with her being naked? It’s an enhancement. Her breasts were firm and round and proud, begging to be kissed and loved. Her stomach was taut and flat, pointing down to the area between her legs where a thin sheet of hair covered her groin. Her legs…God, her and lean and curving gracefully down to her feet. She was gorgeous, but it was the way she carried herself, the absolute confidence, that gave her an even greater allure.
I wasn’t oogling her. Just appreciating.
Give me a break. I just woke up and I’m still kinda in a fucked-up mental state.
not on their way yet,” Kayla said with a sigh, holding up her phone, “My parents said they’d message when they were heading out.”
Tara replied, pulling on the robe and tying it.
“Where are your clothes?” I asked.
“Oh, in the closet somewhere,” she said vaguely, “I’m gonna grab a quick shower if that’s okay?”
“Of course!” Kayla replied quickly, “I’ll give you a shout if they text me.”
Tara smiled at us and walked out
Kayla waited until she heard the bathroom door close and the shower start to jump on me. She mashed her lips against mine, rubbing her naked body against my skin and squeezing at my back with strong fingers. “Want a quickie?” she asked with a saucy grin when she came up for air.
I laughed shortly. “We don’t have quickies,” I replied, resting my hands above the curve of her butt.
She laughed as well. “True. sorry about the whole threesome thing. Well…not sorry that I brought it up—because we should still totally do it—but I’m sorry it made you />
“I don’t know,” I replied with a sigh, “I mean…if Joe heard about me turning it down I think he might cry. If any guy at school heard about it, they’d probably think I was gay or />
“Definitely not,” Kayla replied, reaching down to wrap her fingers around my swelling cock, “But you’d still be amazing if you were.”
just…I meant what I said about waiting. Maybe when she moves in and this whole thing about Walburn kind of settles down and it’s light and fun and we’re doing it because we want to, not because we feel like we have />
“Take a breath, baby.”
then, okay? Just not now.”
She sighed and said, “Okay but don’t start looking for other partners to get involved with, buddy.”
“My eyes are only on you.”
she replied happily, kissing me again, “Now, about you needing to />
She pushed me back so I was sitting on the bed, my cock sticking up proudly like a Clinton Monument. She kissed me again and slowly started to pepper my body with smaller smooches, starting at my chin and working her way down. She kissed my neck, my collarbone, my shoulders, both of my pecs, my abs, and slowly down to my stiff member, which had been poking into her breasts the whole time. Her kisses weren’t like when we pressed our lips together; instead, she would open her mouth slightly and bring them together on her targeted spot. It was like she was sucking something off of my skin. It was light and sensuous and was teasing the shit out of me.
“Kayla, you really don’t />
She put her finger to my lips and smiled up at me before planting one of those kisses on the crown of my cock. A throb of pleasure swept through my lower body, quickly silencing any other comments I might have made.
“You like that?” she asked coyly.
She brought her lips onto the crown of my cock again, engulfing a slightly larger area this time. Another throb of pleasure and this time a moan escaped my lips. She smiled. “I thought you might like that.”
“You know I love it.”
“Well, that’s a go-ahead if ever I heard one,” she said chipperly before slowly sliding the head of my cock into her mouth.
I gasped and my hands gripped the sheets as Kayla rolled my cockhead around in her mouth, slowly letting her tongue caress it. Every time she pulled back, she let the tip reach the edge of her lips so that they almost touched, and then slowly slid her lips apart again to let my cock slide back in, going a little further down. Her technique was painfully, erotically slow, and I could tell she knew by the mischievous glint in her half-closed eyes that never left my face.
She rested against her breasts, which were pressed against my legs, and let her hands roam my body, lightly raking my skin with her nails. She bobbed her head back and forth on my cock, expertly using her tongue to keep it in her mouth whenever it was in danger of popping out. Every time her tongue ran along the underside of the crown, the resulting sensations made me lurch and moan. I could feel her smile every time a moan came out of my mouth and that tongue swept across the sensitive area quite a few more times that it needed to.
Not that I was complaining.
“Oh, I said in a shuddering voice as her mouth made it halfway down my cock, unaided by her hands.
She slid her mouth off my cock and looked up at me with it resting against her cheek. “Does it feel good?” she asked innocently.
“You know the answer.”
“I still like to hear it,” she replied, sticking out her tongue and gently gliding it along the shaft.
The featherweight teasing was like static shocks along the most sensitive parts of my member. it feels I moaned.
Her tongue slid up to the top of my cock and she swirled her tongue around the crown. she said breathlessly.
“You know it does,” I groaned, twisting this way and that as the sensation turned my muscles to rubber.
she moaned as she wrapped her lips around my cock again, sucking at an agonizingly slow pace.
I ran a hand through her hair, fighting back the urge to seize her hair and hump her face faster. Kayla loved her slow pace and I loved it too, but I could really only appreciate the torture of the tease afterwards. In the I wanted her to suck until I couldn’t move and I came so hard that I passed out.
“Fuck, you’re so I moaned as she continued to bob her head up and down on my cock, humming in her throat to throw more teasing sensations down my member. The vibrations made my legs shake, drumming my feet against the ground as my head fell backwards.
She leaned harder on my legs, her hard nipples poking into my thighs, as she began to increase her speed. Her hand was now wrapped around my cock with the other one fondling my balls, tickling them and rolling them around so the entirety of my groin was seething and sparking with enough energy to power a city. I felt I had been told to run a marathon, I would have zipped through it like the fucking Road Runner.
And she just kept going. Nice…
I ran my hands down her head to her shoulders, caressing the skin and lightly massaging them. She moaned in appreciation and twisted her head from side-to-side, sucking with a corkscrew motion that she had never tried before but oh, God, please let it last. Her tongue swirled around and around in her mouth, accompanying the twisting of her head that…damn it, I can’t even describe it. I wanted to cum but I was also desperately trying to hold back so the experience could continue. The suction, the lips, the tongue, the my God!
Guys, next time you’re getting a blowjob, maybe suggest this to your />
do it if he deserves it.
Her twisting, corkscrewing motion was tantalizing enough but the addition of her tongue and hands was sparking enough pleasure and energy into my cock that I felt my balls churning in no time.
She stopped the sucking and slowly lifted her mouth off my cock, her lips remaining connected to it until the last possible second. Once it was out, she began tonguing it in long, slow strokes up its entire length, ending with a swirl around the head when she reached the top.
It only took a few of those to push me to the edge. I grunted before the head of my cock swelled and, with a titanic surge, my cum erupted from the tip, coating her mouth and chin.
She coughed and clamped her mouth around the head of my cock, increasing the suction as if to drain me of everything left in my balls. Every suck made me shoot and I could feel my balls tightening as their load was drained with masterful suck after masterful suck. Several days worth of cum had been built up…and Kayla wanted all of it.
I finally fell back on the bed, my nose running and my vision blurry. My ears were ringing, blotting out all other sounds to a muted level as I caught my breath. I hadn’t even noticed that I had been holding it while I had been cumming but that first explosion of air into my lungs was enough to give me a head-rush that knocked me on my back. All from a a blowjob from Kayla.
God, that was amazing.
The tingling sensations in my body gradually receded and the warmth of blood returned to my limbs, allowing me to sit back up. Kayla was cleaning herself with a hand towel and she smiled at me when I sat up. “How you feeling?” she asked.
She giggled. The sound of the shower, which I had barely noticed over the past few minutes, suddenly stopped. “And good timing,” Kayla continued, inspecting herself in the small vanity on her dresser before tossing the hand towel in her laundry basket.
“No kidding,” I replied, grabbing my boxers and slipping them on. It felt weird to cover myself after such a long period of nakedness. It was like when you leave your house and forget your wallet; something feels off. Still, the warmth was welcome, though Kayla’s mouth had already done a good job raising my temperature.
Kayla said, sticking out her lip as I pulled my boxers up.
“Tuck that thing back in. Aren’t you going to get />
“Oh, she said vaguely, stretching her arms above her head so her breasts were stuck out teasingly, “I kinda like the naturistic style.”
She flicked my ear. “Thanks, />
The bathroom door opened a crack and Tara, her hair still damp, poked her head out. “Hey, could one of you bring my />
“I got it,” Kayla said, ducking into her closet and pulling out a stack of garments. She handed them to Tara through the door.
Tara’s voice called before the door closed again.
“I’m surprised she’s so modest now,” Kayla commented, bending her legs to pop the joints in her knees.
“How do you mean?”
to dress in the bathroom. Closed door. After we’ve been naked for, like, half a day />
I shrugged. “Well, nothing’s going to happen, />
“Just interesting is all.”
Tara emerged a few minutes later, dressed in what looked like a running outfit: sweatpants, thin hoodie, even an athletic band for her hair. Again, maybe it was being naked for so long, but the sight of clothes still looked weird to me. Tara seemed to share my sentiments: “Fucking clothes,” she sighed, tugging at the tight collar of the hoodie.
“In a running mood?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Nah, but it’s a good excuse for why I wasn’t home when the twins got up. If they’re up. Might still be asleep.”
“What if they ask where you were last night?”
“I closed the door to my bedroom. I’ll just tell them I turned in early. If they argue, I’ll just kick their butts until they agree.”
Kayla snorted with laughter. “God, I can’t wait till you live closer.”
“Me too, girl,” Tara said cheerfully, “Gotta head out. See you later?”
“You bet your sweet candy ass you will,” Kayla crowed, opening her arms for a hug.
Tara gave her a tight hug, then swatted her bare rear. “Honey, you’ve got the candy ass.”
“No, you do,” Kayla replied, giving Tara a spank through her tight pants.
Tara glanced over at me with a wicked grin. “How you doing over there, Jack?”
“Just fine,” I replied, though I certainly wasn’t complaining about the two hot chicks spanking each other in front of me.
“Bet you are,” Tara giggled before coming over and giving me as big and loving a hug as I had ever got from her, “Sorry about stuff…I still want to but I can wait till you’re ready.”
I replied, squeezing her enough to lift her off the ground.
She squealed and kicked her legs a bit before I set her down. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, somewhat close to my lips, and waved. “See you soon, Jack!” she said before skipping out of the room, a ball of cheerful energy.
Kayla sighed. “God, I wish I had relatives like her,” she mused.
“What? That want to bang you?”
She stuck her tongue out at me. “No, smartass. You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do.” I took her hand and pulled her in for a soft, warm hug. “What do you want to do today?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, “What do you want to do? I mean, after our parents get home with both of us keeping a very chaste distance from each other.”
“Ha! Chaste!” I barked, “Well, I could shoot Joe and Belle a text, see if they wanna hang out.”
“Cool. Have you heard from Craig?”
She let go of me and sighed. “Next week, back to school.”
I replied in a humorless voice, “Hey, did your parents text yet?”
She picked her phone off the ground and checked it. “Not yet.” She tossed it on the bed. “I gotta go take a dump. Be right back.”
I snorted. “Sure thing, dude.”
“Girls take dumps too, ya knob,” she snapped amusedly, “I could be more graphic if you want.”
“I’m good,” I replied, folding my arms and sitting on the bed.
She rolled her eyes and walked towards the bathroom, absentmindedly scratching her side. “When we get a house,” she said before closing the door, gonna be a strict No-Clothes policy. I like being naked.” She winked at me before closing the door.
When we get a house…was it too early to think about stuff like that? I mean, I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask her to marry me any time soon (who gets married in high school?) but…I smiled. It was a good thought.
I sighed heavily, the weight of Walburn’s death still heavy on my shoulders and a generous amount of ‘What the fuck?’ from last night still lingering around, but…I don’t know, it hit me in the gut a lot less. And it wasn’t because of the blowjob or the sex or anything. I mean, it helped but it didn’t really…I mean…Jeez, just trying to find words is tough. I guess a bit of that sunshine that I lost was coming back. Little by little, anyway. But things didn’t seem so dark, so depressing. Maybe I was just getting numb to it, but…
I smiled and shook my head. Why think about it? Things were going all right.
I stretched back, feeling my back crackle, before falling back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and fighting off the urge to doze. As I fought to keep my eyes open, something tickled my side. It didn’t bug me at first, since I just figured it was a muscle twitch, but then it did it again and I sat up. The hell…?
I glanced down to see Kayla’s phone lit up with 2 New Messages. Shit, her parents must be on their way home. I clicked open her phone to check what time they thought they were getting back but, to my surprise, the messages were not from her parents. I went back to the Messages library and scrolled up to the top of the list. Two New Messages from Jeff.
Jeff? Who the fuck was Jeff? I cycled through my mental rolodex but couldn’t think of anyone I knew at school named Jeff. I mean, Kayla had different classes than me but she never mentioned a Jeff or anything. At least, if she did, it was never in a capacity that would require him to have her number.
Who was Jeff?
I stared at the phone for a second, knowing it wasn’t really any of my business, but the little voice in the back of my head was egging me on, reminding me of those texts Kayla kept getting that put her in a foul mood. Maybe this was who was texting her. I could just take a look at what he’s saying and maybe try to fix the situation. Discreetly, of course, so she doesn’t have to find out I was going through her phone.
I glanced guiltily up at the bathroom for a second before clicking open her phone and looking at the messages.
Jeff: hey beautiful!
Jeff: how was ur Christmas??
An icy trickled ran down my spine. Okay, okay, calm down. Maybe it’s just one of her really distant one that I haven’t heard about before. And that apparently can make her upset and sour whenever he texts her.
I scrolled up through the messages, noting that he seemed to be texting her every few days, usually with a simple, ‘Hey beautiful!’ or it going, gorgeous?’ Yeah…a relative this is not. What stunned me was the volume of messages that were still there. I mean, if this was the guy who was texting Kayla and making her so upset, why wasn’t she deleting the texts? I’d seen her delete them…when I was around.
That icy feeling continued to crawl down my spine.
Every so often, Kayla would send back a response, usually a curt ‘hey’ with no follow-on message. Well, that’s good. I don’t know why she doesn’t block him, but…
However, as I started going back a couple of months, conversations started to blossom between the two of them. I checked the dates. September. Right when we started dating. The gist of them seemed to be Kayla tell this Jeff that she had met a new guy (most likely me) and we were going out. He seemed less than amused by this, telling her they could make the long-distance thing work out. She turned him down with more tact than I would have (though, to be fair, reading this made me want to find this guy and clock him).
Then came this section:
Kayla: Sorry, Jeff. No.
Jeff: You don’t even have to brake up with him!
Kayla: And I’m not going to.
Jeff: I know but we can still fool around 😉
(Urge to />
Kayla: No! Omg, what’s wrong with you?
Jeff: What’s wrong with me?? You told me you loved me!
Kayla: Well, sorry! Sorry if I led you on or whatever but I don’t love you.
Jeff: Thanks a ton! That makes me feel great! You tell me you love me, you fuck me, and then tell me it meant nothing.
Kayla: Sorry. It didn’t mean as much as you thought. Sorry.
I dropped the phone on the bed.
My stomach was still empty from last night but something sure as hell lurched in my belly, seizing it up like I’d been kicked by a horse. Those words were imprinted in my eyes… fuck />
But it can’t be. I was her first. She told she? I thought hard and fast.
Yeah, she did. When we first had sex, she had said she broke her hymen a couple of weeks before. Implying I was her first. But now…
What if it was just a figure of speech? obvious what he’s talking about. And Kayla doesn’t even deny it.
The muscles in my arms seemed to drain of all their strength. Those three words kept flashing in my head, cycling through like one of those bits of stock info that roll around on those displays on Wall Street. Congratulations, Coach Walburn. You’ve been replaced in my brain. She had had sex before me…it wasn’t the fact that I wasn’t her first that upset me…okay, maybe it did a little…but she told me that…
No! No, there had to be an explanation! I mean…this guy, whoever the fuck he was…shit, this was the guy she had said she loved? I mean, yeah, she didn’t mean it; she had just wanted to feel wanted. That was it. She’d convinced herself of it and…but why would he say that if…
Was he trying to just get in her head? Possibly. Trying to make it seem like they did something more than they actually had. I mean, maybe they did go farther than just kissing or whatever but if they actually had sex, and she told me they />
I stared at the closed bathroom door. I wanted to go to her, to ask her about it, to ask for an explanation. I mean…why did she have to lie to me? Especially about that? Why had she not blocked this guy? Why hadn’t she just told me about it from the beginning? Why keep it a secret?
I looked at her phone, guilt lancing through my brain as I realized I had basically broken into her phone without permission. I mean, it was never expressly forbidden between us, except that we both observed common courtesy. Looking through her phone…it was like I was some paranoid, obsessive weirdo who didn’t trust his girlfriend.
Well, she did lie to me…
No, stop it! There had to be an explanation. There had to be…
It was a very long two minutes before the bathroom door opened and Kayla came out, a radiant smile on her face. “Much better,” she sighed, adding a little strut to her step, “Sorry, hope that doesn’t gross you out.”
I replied, trying to smile. My mind was racing, trying to figure out how I could bring it up without letting her know I went through her phone. That’s not the point, the voice in my head nagged, She lied to you. That’s the bigger issue.
She frowned. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I tried to think of something but my mind refused to work. Brain functions were blocked up, flashing the message over and over in my head.
Kayla put the back of her hand against my forehead and made a worried sound. she said, “I mean, you’re always hot. Obviously. But you’re gonna have to take it easy, />
me form words with more than one syllable.
She kissed me lightly on the forehead. “I think we’ve got some medicine I can grab. Hang on a sec.” Before I could react, she picked up her phone and clicked it on. Shit…I didn’t back out of Jeff’s messages.
Kayla’s smile slid off her face as the screen of her phone came to life. Her eyelids slid into a frown, then a look of horror as they traveled from her phone to me. Now, of all times, did I find my voice: “You got a message and I thought it might be your parents, />
“Oh.” That was all she said. She chewed her lip and set her phone on the bedside table. />
She was looking at the ground, her hair covering her face and her foot making small circles on the carpet. I watched her, wanting to say something but not knowing a single thing I could say that could lift the tension. I’d fucked up bringing up the subject and I had no clue how to proceed from here. I knew I had to bring up the message about…what they’d done but I was at least going to try to do it delicately.
How was I going to do it? Didn’t have a fucking clue.
Kayla cleared her throat and looked up at me, jaw set and eyes bereft of their usual spark. “Well, Jeff…he was the guy I told you about before who…I said I loved. Back in my old town.”
“I kinda />
“Yeah, well…I got over him before he got over me. One day he just started texting me She made a gesture with her hand. “I don’t like talking with him but sometimes if I respond he’ll leave me alone for a few days. Maybe he thinks I’ll message him back. I don’t know.”
Careful, Jack. Very careful. “How serious was it with him?”
She chewed her lip, turning her head slightly so that she addressed an area over my shoulder rather than look me in the face. “When I said I loved him, I didn’t mean it. I mean, I convinced myself I did, but it’s like convincing yourself you love peanuts when you really can’t stand them, just because you’re dating a person who likes them. You always know it’s not completely true, no matter what you say.”
serious was it?”
She sighed heavily. “Not very. Just regular stuff.”
She looked at me suspiciously. “Do you want to ask me />
Shit. “I’m just />
She stared at me levelly for a few moments before shrugging. “About as serious as Craig and I were, I guess.”
A lie. Another one. I felt a hot flash at the back of my neck as I said, />
“Yeah. Heck, I might have been more serious with Craig.”
“You didn’t tell Craig that you loved him.” The anger was building, rising without anything to hold it back.
I didn’t have to convince myself to like Craig. At least at first.” She gave me a gamey smile. “So Craig wasn’t the worst boyfriend I’ve ever had. Imagine that.”
“But I never told Craig I loved him.”
“You didn’t fuck him either,” I said in a strangled voice as the last bit of rational thought in my brain tried to kick in and prevent the words from leaving my mouth.
Kayla’s attention snapped fully on me and her face took on the exact same look that I must have had when I had read that message from Jeff. She had been leaning against the bedside table but now her butt slid on it and she had to catch herself, still staring at me in horror.
I immediately regretted saying it and started thinking desperately for a way to take it back. My mind broke free of the chains those three words had bound it in and began cycling through all possible options of explanation but…I couldn’t think properly. My mind couldn’t focus on anything. All I could see clearly was Kayla’s horrified expression and realizing that we were potentially entering an area even worse than when I had told her I kissed Tara.
What the hell do I do…
“I didn’t what?” Kayla said quietly, an emotion in her voice but too bedded down to make itself clear.
What do I do? Try to deny it? Cop to it? Her question seemed more rhetorical, meaning she knew damn well what I had said. Shit. I’m boned no matter which way I chose so…might as well bite the bullet:
“You didn’t have sex with Craig. That was the other big difference between him and Jeff.”
Kayla looked at her phone again, her face slowly twisting itself into a gruesome and heartbreaking mixture of anger and hurt. “You didn’t just read the new messages, did you?” she asked quietly.
I sighed. />
“You went back />
“Yes, I did.” Then, before I could stop myself: “Why did you lie to me?”
Her breath caught in her throat. “I never said I didn’t have sex with him.”
The anger flared back up. “The first time we had sex, you said you had broken your own hymen a couple of weeks before. So unless he’s so small he couldn’t get to it when you fucked />
She winced when I said and I realized I was going too far. How do I pull back? How do I stop? Why the hell isn’t my brain working?
I lied about that,” she said, hurt overtaking anger on her face, “But what does it change, Jack? I mean, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. And it didn’t change what it meant for me the first time we had sex. At all.”
“Why did you lie?”
“I don’t know…I guess I just wanted it to be a new start, you know? A guy I really loved, making love for the first />
“You could have told me.”
“Jesus Christ, Jack, I know,” she said, her voice spiking, “You think I don’t feel shitty about it? But I’m telling you now.”
“After I found out on my own.” Brain, anytime you wanna stop my mouth, that’d be great.
Anger was coming back. “Yeah, about that…Why did you go through my phone?”
“Why didn’t you delete him?”
“Well shit, Jack, I guess I’m not perfect,” she replied acidly, “I don’t want him back or anything, I I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry.”
She looked at me expectantly for a bit. I just stared back. she finally said.
you going to />
“For what? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You went through my phone!”
“You lied to me about me being your first!”
I had never seen her this angry. Well, okay, maybe I had, but it was different when it was directed at me. “Is that it, Jack? Is that what this is about? You not being the first guy inside me?”
“No! I mean, yeah, that’s there…but that’s not />
she said, stepping forward and taking my hands, Isn’t that enough? I’m sorry I lied about it, okay? I’m sorry I kept it from you. But it’s not a big deal!”
“Lying to me isn’t a big deal?”
gotten into you, Jack? This isn’t like you.”
I didn’t know. I was so angry and I couldn’t keep it down. Part of me was fighting to keep it back but it was a losing fight. “Have you been keeping anything else from me?” I demanded.
“Are you sure? Because I don’t want to have to wait another few months to find out something else I believed in was actually a lie.”
“I’m telling you this, Jack! I’m coming clean!”
“When I kissed Tara, I told you right away because honesty is supposedly important to you. That’s what you told me, right?”
“So I can’t be mad at you for something you kept from me for months but I got a day of silence even though I had the decency to admit what />
I was making mental notes to give myself a good punch for everything I said. I couldn’t stop myself (I was too angry) but the rational part of my brain was keeping score.
Kayla’s eyes were welling with tears. “I know you’re a good guy, Jack. I think that’s the first time you’ve ever thrown it in someone’s face.”
“I’m not trying to throw it in your face. I’m trying to figure out this double-standard that you seem to have.”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m not perfect! What the hell do you want?” Angry tears were crawling down her cheeks. “I lied to you because I guess I just wanted to forget a really shitty time when I did something really stupid for a really stupid reason! Is that good enough for you?”
“This isn’t about being good enough!”
“Well, it seems like it is!” she snapped, wiping her cheeks roughly, “I mean…I was wrong to not talk to you for a whole day. I was wrong to keep it from you. I love you and I guess I was just scared that something like this would ruin what we had. I don’t know why but it was or something, I don’t />
Balance. That sounded familiar. A horrible thought occurred to me and it fell out of my mouth before I could examine it: “Is that why you suggested the />
If a pin had dropped, it would have created an echo. she asked in a voice so soft, I felt it more than heard it.
“Whose idea was the threesome?” I said, trying and failing to keep it from sounding like a demand, “Yours or />
She stared at me for a second, eyes too full of tears to read her expression, then swallowed and said, />
I was silent for a little while, looking down at the ground and chewing my lip. “You said you were 100% on last night,” I said slowly, “Were you doing it because you really thought it would help Tara or because it would make us />
“How can you ask me that?” she said in a cracking voice, fighting to hold back tears. God, I was an asshole. “I did want to help her! I really did!”
you want me to have sex with Tara to make us />
“What the fuck does it matter?!” she shrieked, swinging her fist and knocking the stuff off her bedside table. She put her face in her hands and wept. “I just want everything to be like it was before all this bullshit,” she said in a breaking voice, “Before you kissing Tara, before Brad, before all of that. When it was just you and me being happy />
I wanted to go and hug her but I got the feeling my touch wouldn’t be welcome. “I want that too, Kayla, but…I can’t ignore this.”
she asked, turning to me and angrily wiping her eyes, “I had sex with a guy before you. It did nothing for me except hurt like shit when he put it in and then blew twenty seconds later. That dump I took just now meant more than that did.” I smiled a little at that and her mouth twitched a bit as well. “You actually made me cum. You made me feel wanted. Loved. Like you cared about me instead of just putting a notch on your bedpost. We made love. We didn’t fuck. If I lost my memory right now, there’d still be a part of me that remembered how amazing it was and how good it felt not she pointed to her pussy, “—but here!” She pointed to her heart.
“It meant that much to me, too,” I said, feeling calmer but with rage still fighting like a caged beast in my chest, “And you were never going to be just a notch on my />
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for lying about it and keeping it from you. It wasn’t something I thought you needed to know about.”
The rage burst free. “You said you wanted complete honesty!” I shouted, “You said not to worry about how you would feel! That if you needed to know, you needed to know! Does that not extend to me too?”
She backed up a little bit from my rage. “He’s not a threat, Jack,” she said in a quivering voice, nothing he can do. There’s no feelings for him />
“Then why didn’t you block him if he was bugging you so much?” I demanded, my body shaking as I fought with the anger. Where the hell was it coming from? And why the hell couldn’t I stop myself? I wanted to…she didn’t deserve this, even if she had lied to me. It really wasn’t that big…not really. Why was I so angry? Why couldn’t I stop myself? Why couldn’t I fix this? Why couldn’t I stop things going out of control?
Why couldn’t I stop Coach Walburn from shooting himself?!
Kayla just shook her head and said, “I don’t know, Jack. I just don’t know.”
Why couldn’t I stop him? Why couldn’t I have helped him live another day?
I was hyperventilating, my head in my hands with my palms pressing almost painfully into my skull. all battled in my brain. I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t stop myself from hurting Tara. I couldn’t stop myself from shouting at Kayla. I couldn’t control my feelings.
Was it jealousy? Was I jealous of this guy who got to Kayla first? But Craig got to her first and I I was. I couldn’t lie about that. I had been insanely jealous of Craig. Holy shit, what the fuck was wrong with me? I was losing control. I felt like I was on a tiny island in the middle of a vast ocean of sharks, each of them ready to snap me up if I made the slightest move.
I felt so helpless. I couldn’t stop other people from hurting themselves. I couldn’t stop myself from hurting other people. I couldn’t control my own fucking feelings and right now my brain would not shut the fuck up and give me some fucking piece and quiet, Jack, you motherfucking son of a fucking bitch! Why the fuck couldn’t you stop him from killing himself, you fucking cunt?! Why the fuck are you taking all of this out on the woman you love, you ass-end of a faggoty cock-pump?! You motherfucking pile of ass-raping, cock-sucking, limp-whore-muff cunting />
I opened my mouth to roar. Had any sound come out, it probably would have woken people in the next neighborhood. I needed to let out everything. It was tearing at my insides like barbed wire being dragged through my intestines. The rage, the regret, the sadness, the jealousy…I needed to let it all out. I opened my mouth, took a deep breath…
And nothing. No sound could come out. It all blocked up in my throat and I sat there, mouth agape, face red, unable to let out anything.
It was a few very long, very painful minutes before my throat started to clear and strangled breaths were able to come through. My chest heaving and sweat dripped from my head as my body shuddered its way back to something resembling normalcy. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to shout. Part of me wanted to apologize to Kayla. Part of me wanted to run out the door and just keep running until my heart exploded.
And part of me, and I didn’t know how prevalent or how big it was…but it was still to find a way to end it all…
I needed to be calm. I needed to find a way to relax and let go of all this shit. To find that balance I needed.
My eyes slowly turned up to see Kayla looking at me with fear in her eyes. I didn’t blame her. With all that shit going on inside my body and in my head, I could only imagined what it looked like on the outside.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a husky voice, still panting and fighting to get my emotions in check. It was a losing battle…but I was going to keep fighting. I had to. That one of ending it all…that scared me.
As I fought to get control of myself, a ringing pierced my ears. I thought at first it was just my ears ringing from all the effort of trying to get myself under control until I realized it was coming from my pants. My phone. Jeez, I’d almost forgot I had it.
Frankly, a lot of stuff I took for granted was suddenly seeming very foreign. If I had walked into my room at that moment, feeling as I did, I would have been as lost as if I had been on Mars.
I scrambled over the my pants, my limbs still feeling like jelly, and managed to tug my ringing phone out of my pocket and click it open. I said in a voice that still wasn’t under control.
A man’s voice. Familiar, but… />
“It’s Frank. From work?”
Frank…from work…Work! “Oh, yeah, hi. Hey, Frank. What’s up?”
“You okay, Jack?”
No. Hell no. Fucking hell no. “Yeah. I totally fine. Why?”
are you? You were supposed to be in half an hour ago.”
A weight of bricks dumped into my stomach and I felt like slamming my fist through the wall. That’s right. I’d been given Monday and Tuesday off with the understanding that I’d help with the post-Christmas slam the day after. attendance record officially down the shitter.
Lovely. Just one more stab to the gut.
“Oh, yeah! Frank, I’m so sorry! I completely forgot. It’s just been…well, it’s been kinda nuts and a lot of stuff has />
“Just hurry and get here, Jack. We’re dying.”
“Yeah, absolutely! I’ll be over as soon as I can.”
I hung up, replacing the idea of putting my fist through the wall with putting my head through the wall. What a fucking wonderful day…
“I’m so late,” I said out loud, not really sure if I was directing it at Kayla.
she replied, her voice free of emotion.
I looked up at her, wanting to convey in a look everything I didn’t have time to say. “I’ll talk to you after work,” I said, “If you want me to call or come over />
She thought about it while I struggled to dress myself quickly. “Well, our parents will be back so maybe we should wait?” The lack of anything other than crisp directness in her voice was chilling. I’d be less freaked out if she was actually screaming at me.
“I mean, we should keep talking,” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head, “We need to. We’ll be calmer and we’ll figure out this />
She nodded once. “Yes we will.” Nothing else.
“Kayla, I’m sorry it got so out-of-hand. I didn’t want to make you feel like crap or anything. I don’t think you’re a liar or that you did it because don’t Just stop talking, Jack, this isn’t helping.
She just looked at me, two tears quivering in her eyes. “I’m glad you don’t think that. Whatever it is.”
“I love you,” I said desperately, grabbing her gently by the shoulders, “I do. And I’m sorry about all this and I want to talk about it or I can talk. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. It’s just a bunch />
“You should hurry, Jack,” Kayla said with chilling politeness, “You don’t wanna be more late than you are.”
I said, leaning in to give her a kiss, which she accepted. Her lips pressed against mine briefly and I felt them quiver. If I could separate myself from myself, I’d throw myself a huge beating.
“I love you,” I said again, using every ounce of that honest emotion from my heart to fuel those words into something that might begin to make up for the asshole I was for the last twenty minutes or so.
“I love you too,” she said, swallowing hard, “But, Jack…I just want you to know that you really, really hurt me. I know I hurt you too by lying to you, but…just thought you should know. So I can be completely honest with you.”
If Frank had still been on the phone, I would have told him I was too sick to come into work. Too late for that now, of course. I wanted to cry, to let all that regret I was feeling burst forth so Kayla and I could work this out right away instead of having feelings stew and simmer all day and potentially morph into something even worse than it already was.
But I couldn’t. I had to go to work. And maybe some space was what we needed.
I said, leaning in to kiss her again, this time on the cheek, filling the kiss with as much love as possible. It wasn’t going to make up for everything but it was something. We still had a lot more to talk about but I couldn’t just leave it on a note of animosity. I needed to give her something positive, even something as small as that.
I mean, after not like either side was completely innocent. This wasn’t a question of who started it or who was more in the wrong but…well, balance again. Finding the equal ground where we could fix stuff and rebuild without feeling like one of us was more than the other. It had to be made right again. Kayla had been right…it would be great to go back to the way things were before all the bullshit.
My brain continued to babble on in undecipherable noises as I walked out of Kayla’s room, leaving behind the most hollow silence that had ever existed between us. I’d been scared by many things in my life but the silence that stretched until I was out her door was the first that pierced beyond the fear sensors in my brain and dug itself straight into my heart.
I’m not going to pretend like every day at Gamestop was an absolute perfect day. I’d had more than my fair share of asshole customers, many of whom were so far-gone in their ‘holier than thou’ attitude that no matter what I said, they were going to leave pissed off. You learn to accept that in retail. To the customer, you’re being paid to deal with them being an asshole. It happens. And I’d learned to accept that. The majority of customers I dealt with were perfectly civil and receptive to the eagerness with which I helped them. The assholes? I still gave them my all, never letting on that I couldn’t wait for them to fuck off.
Basically, what I’m saying is that even though every day wasn’t perfect, it never got me down.
That wasn’t the case today.
Coming in late after an immaculate attendance record wasn’t the best place to start but add on top of that all the personal stuff and the swarm of greedy it wasn’t a recipe for success.
The day fucking dragged. Normally being busy is good because the time goes by quicker but it was busy and slow at the exact same time. Every customer I dealt with, whether they were just buying games or desperately wanting to know if the amount on a gift card was the same as the amount they were told was on it (and it always was), each interaction seemed like a small eternity and when it was finally over and I could look at the clock, only a couple of minutes had gone by.
It didn’t help that I was basically stuck in my head the entire day. Remembering everything that had happened over the past few days was bad enough, but now my mind had once again become a battleground between two moral sides. This time, it was a battle over how I should feel about Kayla having sex with this Jeff asshole before me. I know I was moving closer to understanding when I left Kayla but it’s a lot easier to be objective (I think that word applies here) when you don’t have the hurt face of the love of your life looking back at you.
On the one hand, she was with me now and she loved me and this guy was out of her life forever. She hadn’t responded to his texts in the longest time and the last time she did, she made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in him. She kept what happened from me, but…so what? It was in the past.
Then again, argued another part of my brain, was it really in the past? She hadn’t deleted his number from her phone. Why? Did she secretly like receiving the attention? Wasn’t my attention enough for her? Was I not giving her enough?
Of course I was! And she was giving me enough attention in return. It’s not like all of the feelings we’d had over the months we’d been together were predicated on the fact that she had been a virgin the first time we had sex. We said ‘I love you’ before we had sex. It wasn’t based on that.
But if it wasn’t based on that, why lie about it? Didn’t she trust that I could overlook that? That it really wouldn’t matter to me? That I would just be happy that she was with me now and our hearts belonged to each other?
But if it didn’t matter…why was I stressing so much about it? Our hearts did belong to each other. I was happy with her. I could overlook it.
As much as I hated to admit it…there was a part of me that was jealous. Jealous that I wasn’t her first. Jealous that there was a guy who had been able to inspire the same lustful feelings in her that I had been able to. Yeah, they were stronger with me, but they had been there with this Jeff guy. What did she say…twenty seconds and he was done? Not an impressive pedigree but…they had still had sex…
God, why was this sticking in my head? It was an open-and-shut thing. She had sex with a guy before me, it meant nothing, it would never happen again. Obvious facts. And yet, for some reason, it was like vapor. Every time my brain tried to seize onto the idea, it seemed to dodge away. And it wasn’t really the fact that she lied. Yeah, I was angry that she lied, but it’s not like it was going to end the world or anything. I was angry at her, and yet…what was it that was keeping me from hammering down my emotions?
Maybe the jealousy was coming from the idea of that balance Kayla mentioned. She’d had sex with two guys in her life. I’d had sex with only one girl. And I planned to have sex with only one girl for the rest of my life, at least barring unforeseen circumstances, like a threesome or someth—
And there’s that thought again. Did Kayla try and set up the threesome with Tara to alleviate guilt? Bring balance or whatever? But why now? She could have suggested any other girl at school. Hell, she could have suggested it when Tara first came, but we were all distracted by Tara and Carson and all that other…
What if it was because I kissed Tara? I told Kayla about it right away. that made her realize she should have told me about this Jeff fucker long ago and it started eating at her. Maybe she wanted to get me together with Tara because then it would balance out everything in her mind. I mean, yeah, it would help with all the shit that came up between the three of us, but…
A hand slapped on the counter. “Yo, can you ring me up?” the guy said, waving a pair of games in my face, “I got a life I need to get back to.”
I replied, taking them from him and scanning them into the register.
I was trying really hard to keep a pleasant countenance but the idea that Kayla may have been trying to use that threesome to cover up guilt…It was like a volcano of rage inside me slowly growing to explosion.
There was a lancing pain in my brain, just above my eye, for the rest of the day. By the time five o’clock rolled around and I was able to leave, I would have given anything for a nice, stiff drink to kill my brain for a while. It was an awful day and I couldn’t see it getting better when I got home.
I was pulling on my coat when Frank stuck his head out from the back. “Hey, Jack, come back here for a second.”
I sighed and walked into the back, ready to get a reaming for coming in late. “Frank, I’m sorry. I’ve just been having a lot />
He waved his hand, cutting me off. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked.
I blinked. />
“Look, you wanna look at if from a business perspective, you’re a damn good worker which means you’re a damn good asset. We lose a damn good asset, it’s gonna be pretty damn bad for />
“I don’t know if I’m that damn valuable,” I replied.
He smirked a little and continued: “You wanna look at if from a personal perspective, you’re a good kid, Jack. Not just a good worker. And when I see you having a frown and muttering when I usually think I need to tie you down so you don’t float away on a bubble of joy, that gets me worried. Being late? Who cares? Happens to everything. But He gestured around his face. “The whole depressed look good on you, Jack. And if I can help, I will.”
I smiled a little. “Thanks, Frank, but it’s stuff I gotta take care of on my own.”
He pursed his lips and nodded. “Still dealing with the />
I sighed. “Yeah, but this time it’s something />
“Oh? The other thing get worked out?”
“Yeah, but now it’s another thing. And it’s on her.”
He made an expression. “I hope you’re not planning on saying that to her face.”
“Of course not. just trying to work through it and everything. Like, do I get mad at her or not. That sort of thing.”
He shrugged. “Well, you know the situation better than me. All I’m gonna say is to just be careful bringing it to work. If you can’t escape the personal crap at work, it’s gonna eat at you no matter what you do.”
Wonderful. “Thanks Frank.”
“No problem. I hope things get better.” I nodded and turned to leave. “And remember!” I turned back. He pointed at me. “A damn good asset.”
I smirked. />
It was a long car ride home, partly because I got stuck in the fucking red-light cycle and hit every single one on the way home and partly because my brain wouldn’t shut the hell up for a minute. I know you’re probably getting tired of hearing everything that was bugging me but just imagine what it’s like having it run through your head on constant repeat like a little kid shouting in your ear.
I tried to push it to the back of my mind, turn it into white noise so I could just focus on the road, but it was some pretty damn loud white noise. And every time I had to go back to concentrating on the road, whether it was a turn or a green light, the white noise would suddenly become intelligible again and the battle would begin again. Angry or not angry. Jealous or not jealous. What the fuck do I do?
That last one I had no answer for. I knew I needed to talk to Kayla again but how the hell do I approach her after the way I left her this morning. Even if the part of my brain that said I should be mad at her won out, there was no way I was going to start a conversation with her like, “How dare you keep that from me?!” Not if I valued my nuts.
like four months ago the closest I had come to sex was porn on the computer and my dick in my hands. Now it was like every decision I made was dependent on it. Sex here, sex />
Worse than money.
I finally made it home after what seemed like hours. I shut off the car and looked up at Kayla’s window. I wanted to go over and talk to, just to clear everything up if not figure it out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not yet at least. After such a shitty day at work, I needed some time to clear my head. Besides, our parents were home and I at least needed to say hi to mine.
Delaying? Absolutely. I wish I was strong enough to face it now but I didn’t trust myself much anymore.
Amanda and Alan were making out in the living room when I walked in. “Hey Jack,” Amanda said cheerfully, pulling away from Alan with the sound of a plunger being pulled from a drain.
“Jesus Christ!” I hissed, “The fuck are you doing?”
They looked at each other. “Making out,” Alan replied with the tone one uses on an idiot kid.
here!” I whispered, “So are mom and dad!”
upstairs sleeping,” Amanda explained calmly, resting her head against Alan’s, “And Tara’s been in her room all day.” She frowned. “I don’t think she’s feeling too good.”
I bet, I thought with a guilty surge hitting my chest. “Well, just be careful,” I replied lamely.
“Will do,” Amanda said as Alan pulled her face to his. After their first free night together, it seemed like they couldn’t wait to make up for lost time.
I stalked up the stairs, careful to not make too much noise. If my parents were asleep (so the first thing they want to do after a drive from a hotel is…sleep so more?) the last thing I wanted to do was wake them and have to deal with them. They’d pick up on everything that was going on right away and I couldn’t avoid them. Not after these past few days. I just couldn’t keep my defenses up anymore. I was sick of trying to avoid talking about it.
Instead, I knocked on Tara’s door. came her voice from the other side of the door.
“It’s me,” I replied.
There was a moment of silence before she opened the door, a wan smile on her face. she said, stroking my arm for a second, “How was work?”
She frowned. “Why not?”
I was sick of avoiding difficult that doesn’t mean I wanted to have them.
“Everything go okay after I left?”
The anger flared up again. No, everything was not okay. The asshole part of my brain was winning out. Kayla dangled Tara in front of me just so I would fuck her and then we’d be No discussion with me, of course. She couldn’t handle just telling me what had happened and owning up to a lie. She had to be sneaky about it. Dishonest. We loved each other and yet she didn’t trust me to handle something like that.
How could she? After everything we’d been through. After all the stuff with Craig, Brad, kissing Tara…I didn’t deserve to know something as small and supposedly meaningless as me not being her first. I could have handled that! Why didn’t she trust me?
I looked up at Tara, her beauty striking me as it always had. Well, if Kayla wanted me to fuck her, why not? That would make us equal. I’m sure Tara wouldn’t mind. Hell, she’d probably love it. And maybe I’d keep it a secret for a while, see how Kayla likes…
As the thought streaked across my brain, taking no more than a nanosecond to do so, my body seemed to fall into limbo and time stopped. I was suspended in the full meaning of that thought and everything that it implicated. Slowly, gradually, the horror of it started to dawn on me. Cheat on Kayla…keep it from her…lie to get back at her for something she had not done to hurt me…
My stomach heaved and I staggered away from Tara and down the hall to the bathroom, where I immediately puked into the sink, tears streaming down my face as the hot bile burned my mouth. How could I think that? Why would I think that? What the fuck was wrong with me?
Eventually the puking stopped and I coughed and spat into the sink, rising it out with the tap before swishing some water in my mouth to clean out the remaining gunk. The taste did the guilt.
And hand touched my shoulder and I jumped in surprise. It was Tara. she said, pulling her hand back.
“No, no,” I replied, wincing as my stomach throbbed painfully, “It’s okay. I been feeling good today.”
She put the back of her cool hand against my forehead. “No wonder. You’re burning up!” She took her hand away and gave me a small smile. “Guess I don’t have to be offended then.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you looked at me like I was a walrus or something and then ran in here to puke. What was I supposed to think?”
I laughed painfully. “It wasn’t you. Trust me.”
She put a hand gently on my shoulder. get you in bed.” I gave her a look. “Ha, ha. Not like that, doofus.”
I managed to compromise with her on the whole resting thing. I agreed that I would just take it easy for a while rather than lie down and get some sleep. I wasn’t tired and, frankly, I was scared about the nightmares I might have with all the shit going through my brain. Tara looked less than convinced but didn’t seem to want to argue and told me to let her know if there was anything she could help me with.
I studied her the entire time we talked. I don’t know exactly what I expected after last night. I mean, yeah, this morning she was perfectly fine but I didn’t know how much of that was for Kayla’s benefit. Besides, she had plenty of time alone here to reflect on all of it. I sensed a melancholy in her, especially when our eyes met, but nothing that caused me any worry. No more so than being turned down for a date by your yeah, that sucks and so did being turned down by me, I imagine, but she was making a good effort not to let whatever pain she might be feeling show.
And I could still remember when we would have mud fights in my yard. Now here we are. Damn…
I wanted to repeat what I had said last night: that I loved and would do anything for her and maybe it would be a better idea to wait until we weren’t in such a fucked-up state of mind. At least, until I wasn’t. But I didn’t want to reopen that door and I’m sure she didn’t either.
As soon as she left, the mass feed reopened in my mind and all I could do was sit there like a statue as it ran through my mind. Mad or not mad. React or not react. How did I feel about it? What should I feel about it? And why? What should I do? Should I do anything?
Repeat after repeat after endless repeat. It was going to be a long night.
Or, at least, it probably would have been if my phone hadn’t rang what seemed like only seconds later. Actually (looking at the clock), I had been sitting motionless for about fifteen minutes. Stupid brain…
I picked up my phone and checked the Caller ID. Craig.
The shock was enough to knock out most of the whirlwind of regret and pain that had been swirling in my brain. Sure, he called me and texted me often enough but…I don’t know, he’d been out of the picture for the past couple of days and so much had happened that it was easy to forget that he was a friend now.
Another thing I couldn’t have suspected a few months ago…
I clicked open the phone. “Hey Craig.”
“Hey Jack! Everything okay?”
“Amanda texted me a couple days ago and said something had happened. You okay, man?”
“You didn’t hear?”
I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. “Coach Walburn is dead.”
The phone was silent. I couldn’t even hear him breathing. After a minute, his voice crackled through: />
I swallowed hard, telling myself to buck up and just deliver the facts. “He shot />
“Fuck did Amanda text me about you?”
“…I was there.”
I sighed, falling back on my bed, “Shot himself right in front of me. You remember that day he made us />
I didn’t know if it was the phone but Craig’s voice was cracking even more.
“Well, apparently he and his wife found out his son was killed over in Iraq or somewhere and he went a little nuts and…Well, when I saw him, he looked like shit. His wife was gone and…he didn’t have anything left to live for My mouth was on autopilot. That’s why I was sounding like an insensitive cunt. Please don’t hate me.
“Oh.” Craig was silent again.
“Well fuck, man. That’s />
“Craig? You okay?” Another voice came in through the phone.
“Becca? Is that you?” I said.
“Hey Jack. Craig, what’s wrong?”
“Coach Walburn’s dead.”
“Oh my God,” Becca gasped, />
“Shot his family was gone and he didn’t have a It wasn’t the phone. Craig sounded like he was about to cry. “It’s my fault.”
“What? No it’s not!”
“Yes it is, babe. He got fired because he made Jack and me />
Oh, fuck. “No, Craig, wait,” I said, waving my hand uselessly (like he could see it), “It wasn’t you, man. You didn’t know.”
“Dude, I volunteered, remember? To wrestle you when he made you get up there? If I />
“He would have picked someone anyway. You />
“I fucking choked you…If we had just been…I don’t know, trying grips or something, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten in as much />
“Craig, it had nothing to do with you. I’m as much to blame as you.” No, no, no, no, no. Fuck, why didn’t I think about this? Why didn’t I consider how Craig might feel? I should have known better…
I could hear Craig’s sobs. “I wish I had stopped being an asshole I would />
think like that,” Becca said soothingly, “Please />
He choked back sobs and said, sorry for all the shit I put you through. I’m sorry for trying to choke you in class and…Fuck, he’s really dead?”
Feeling like an absolute asshole, I replied, “Yeah, but it’s not your fault, man.”
“If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have lost his />
“It would have been someone else, man. Come on, don’t worry about it.” I desperately tried to think of another conversation topic. “How was your Christmas? How’s Carson?”
Becca said, “Can Craig and I have some alone time?”
Fucking wonderful job, Jack. Craig wants to help you feel better and you make him feel like he’s responsible for what happened to Coach Walburn. />
“I’ll message you later. Bye Jack.”
I replied, keeping the phone to my ear even after I heard the click and the line went dead.
I didn’t have any abuse left in my brain for myself. Frankly, I didn’t have any brain left for myself. I was so tired and weary and just There was nothing I wanted. If I slipped into a coma at that moment, it would probably be welcome. What a great fucking Christmas this had been.
Another half-hour of motionlessness passed with me trying to sort out my thoughts. First priority was, obviously, talk to Kayla. Try and work this whole thing out. Mad or not, we’d been together too long and our emotions ran too deep to allow this to create yet another gap between us. I grabbed my phone and shot her a message.
Me: Hey, I’m off work.
Second priority was…what? I had been thinking about talking to Tara but even as the thought crossed my mind, it looked less and less appealing. Last night was still fresh and I doubt we’d be able to have any conversation without it eventually creeping up. At least, I wouldn’t be able to; I barely kept from mentioning it when I saw her a little while ago. My intention was to get us back to how things were supposed to be: her and me as raucous and carefree as we had always been around each other. Last night having happened so uh, not happening.
Part of me whispered that, after everything that had happened between us on this vacation, it would never be the way it was to be. I turned away from that thought. I wasn’t ready to face it.
I thought about texting Joe or Belle but figured, with my track record today, it would only make things worse for them. No way I could text Craig or Becca, not with how things must be going for them. Alan and Amanda were busy being amorous and talking to them could only break that up. So there I was, stuck all alone, too terrified to talk to anyone. Oh, happy day.
Ten minutes brought no response from Kayla. I sighed and figured she was probably still pissed at me. Great. What else could I fuck up today? I rubbed my face, feeling exhausted without feeling tired. Had to wake up. Had to stay functional or I’d drive myself crazy.
I walked to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face, the cold liquid sparking my nerves and jolting me to a slightly higher state of awake. I let the water dribble down my face, streaking my skin and chilling my skin enough to keep me alert. The towel wasn’t necessary; I needed the chill.
I looked at myself in the mirror, the haggard, depressed, and sullen-faced guy staring back at me very different than what I normally saw. Part of me was hoping I’d have one of those surreal experiences where the image would come to life and tell me exactly what I needed to do. Sort of a Twilight Zone thing.
Okay, yes, it was a stupid thought but I would have grasped at the shadows of straws at this point.
As I stared at myself, I noticed some of the water drops had started to slide into my hair. I brushed it away, the wet hair streaking back under my finger. My eyes stayed on that wet streak, shiny and unnatural in the rest of my tousled brown hair.I put my finger back up to it, rubbing that spot. What would it be like if a bullet broke through it? I mean, yeah, bullets are fast, but is there like a second that you feel pain before lights-out?
I pressed the point of my finger into the wet spot. The pain flared up quickly but I didn’t pull it away. It felt solid but one tiny bullet and this skull would explode like Styrofoam and splatter brains and blood all over the place…Just like Coach />
The finger dug in harder.
What was the last thought in his mind? Was he remembering his family? Hoping that he’d see his son as soon as the bullet did its job? Did his entire life actually flash in front of his eyes?
My temple screamed in pain but I didn’t stop pressing.
What would be the last thought in my head? Like, if I grabbed a gun right now and shot would I be thinking about? How I’d fucked everything up? The nasty words I had said to Kayla before leaving? And if my entire life flashed before my eyes, would I get only the good stuff? Or would I have the nasty stuff in there as well?
What would it be like for everyone? I know everyone would be really hurt for a while but how quickly would they move on? How would they move on? Would Kayla be able to find another guy? Would Tara have the courage to find the right guy? Joe and Craig…they could probably figure stuff out. Mom and dad…well, they had Alan and Amanda. And they had each other.
Life would go on…
If I was going to Heaven or Hell, would I be there right away? Pull the trigger and boom, roasting in hellfire or floating on a heavenly cloud?
Wonder what that would be like…
I was actually starting to notice the pain when there was a knock on the door, taking me out of my head. I pulled my finger away, the spot where I had been pressing still screaming in protest. I caught my own eyes in the mirror again and the entirety of thoughts that had been passing through my mind in the last few seconds hit me like a sledgehammer. Holy shit…my hand went to my mouth as my stomach lurched.
What the fuck had I been />
The door knock came again and I opened it to find Amanda and…Kayla. “You okay?” Amanda asked, looking at my wet face.
I grabbed the hand towel and wiped away the wetness. “Yeah, fine. Hey Kayla.”
“Hey Jack,” she replied with a small smile.
Amanda, sensing awkwardness in the way only she could, glanced down the stairs. “I think I hear a thing down there. I’m just gonna go With one last odd look at us, she went downstairs to go do />
Kayla looked at me in the eyes for a second before saying, “Jack, />
I glanced quickly at Tara’s room and cut in: “Hang on.” I took her hand and led her down to my room, making sure to close the door behind me.
I turned back to her, fully intent on saying everything that was on my mind, but looking into her eyes took away my ability to speak. Usually, this was a good thing; swooning over her beauty and all that. But now…all I could remember was the look she gave me when I was snapping at her this morning. The hurt and anger that had been directed at me for the first time that I could remember. It wasn’t there now but…you don’t forget that look.
Kayla frowned slightly before recovering and holding out something to me. “You left these this />
The books she got me for Christmas. Of course. I’d completely forgotten about those. I said, taking them, “I promise I’ll start reading them right away.”
Another awkward pause. Kayla’s arms were folded and she was glancing around the room, occasionally catching my eye as we both waited for the other to speak. The last time I’d been this stuck for words around here was when we first met…and then for completely different reasons.
Finally, Kayla cleared her throat slightly and said, sorry I kept what happened with Jeff from you. You did deserve to know. But…well, I still don’t think it She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “What you said still really hurt and…being completely honest, I’m still mad at you about it. />
“I’m sorry,” I cut in.
She looked up. “I />
I was in the bathroom, I was thinking about what it would be like to blow my brains out.”
Her face turned pale. “Jack, don’t you />
“I’m not going to!” I said quickly, “And I’m not really sure I was thinking about doing it…I don’t think. I think…it was more of a ‘what if?’ kinda thing but it scared me. A lot.”
Her eyes were wide. “Was it because of this morning? Is that why you were thinking about it?”
“I think it was longer than that. I My throat tightened a little and I took a shuddering breath. “I still see Coach Walburn shooting himself over and over and over in my head. I know you were trying to help me forget it last night but…it all came back this morning. Everything he said about losing his with you made me think about losing you and I don’t know />
Kayla said, taking my hands, “You aren’t going to lose me! Don’t you dare think that!”
“It’s been eating at me,” I said, feeling panic rise in my voice, “And I can’t think straight anymore. I don’t feel like me. I’m scared, Kayla. Every time I’ve tried to talk to people today, I fuck it up. Work sucked. Then Craig called me and he feels like what happened to Coach Walburn was his fault I had to stop and take a few deep breaths to hold off what felt like an oncoming panic attack.
“It wasn’t his fault. And it wasn’t yours either!”
“I think I got so angry this morning this in my head isn’t letting me think straight. I’m not using that as an excuse. It’s not. I said some really shitty stuff and I still feel angry that you lied and that this Jeff guy is still trying to get in your life but I don’t know how much of that is because of…” I tapped the side of my head.
I ran my hand roughly over my face, feeling exhausted in every part of my body. “I need help with this,” I said slowly, “And you were so great, sweetie. I know how much you wanted to help me.”
“You don’t think I just set up the threesome out of guilt?” she asked, an edge in her voice. Fresh wound.
I sighed. “I don’t know, Kayla. I know you wanted to help me and…even if that was part of it, I know you really were trying to help me. But I don’t know if this is something either of us can work through. Even together…I mean, did you ever go through something like this?”
She shook her head. “What are you going to do, then?”
“There was a or whatever. At the police station a couple of days ago. He gave me his card. I think I’m going to give him a call.”
“You should. And you should have told me. Maybe that would have been a better way to help The unfinished words hung guiltily in the air.
“Kayla, this isn’t something I want to do alone. Trust me, it means the world to me that you tried to help. And not just because of the sex. I mean, yeah, that was awesome like She smiled a little, “But I don’t want this shit in my head to fuck up stuff like this />
“Well, we still need to talk about it,” she said, looking at me levelly, “It’s not something that’s just going to go away.”
“I know.” I looked at her, feeling all the shame of what had happened flaring up under her gaze. “I’m sorry about what I said. I love you and…We will talk about it, I promise. I just want to make sure I can talk about it without having all this shit I feel make me stay stuff I don’t want to.”
I held out my hand to her. “But I want your help, too. The doctor isn’t going to see me all the time. I need your help more than />
She looked at me for a second before sliding her hand into mine. “I’m here, Jack. And you were wrong. The doctor will help but we will get through this. Together.”
story by: Michael.F
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